A Good Word for Apologies

December 11, 2009

In five more school days, we will take a two-week break for the Winter Holidays, and we're all looking forward to it -- faculty, staff, students, parents, and guardians. It's a welcome respite from the daily rigors of life at school.  It's also a great time to reaffirm family and traditions we have during this time of year. (Speaking of traditions, I strongly urge you and your family to attend RDS's first-ever Celebration of Lights on Thursday, December 17. It promises to be a rich tradition that will grow and deepen every year.)
 
The break allows some of us extra time to spend with our kids, visit with friends, family and other loved ones, and maybe even to get away. Yet the holidays are often a time of added stress and pressure for many: shopping, decorating, parties, family gatherings... With the pleasure these activities bring, there are often intermittent bouts of friction in many families. That is, with high hopes and expectations, stress is a natural fallout. And at a time when we are often more homebound than normal, it is not unusual for us to push one another's buttons.
 
Today I write to urge you to reconsider the power of apology if these moments occur in your family.  Unfortunately, it is too easy to assume that others hear your implicit apology or to assume the other person is fine with what has happened, as evidenced by their silence and apparent need to not talk it through. Do not be fooled.
 
In an experiment by Dan Ariely, "The End of Rational Economics" (Harvard Business Review, July-August 2009), researchers hired an actor to interface with customers in a local coffee shop. The actor asked customers to find matching letters from several sheets of paper and promised each $5 for completing the task. Upon completion, he handed them a stack of singles and had them sign a receipt -- and he "mistakenly" overpaid them by two, three, or four dollars. The results were quite depressing: only 45% of the participants returned or acknowledged the extra money. A sad comment on society unto itself - and the subject of future letters I am sure.
 
In a variation of the first experiment, to test what they called the "annoyance" factor,  the actor received a phone call from a friend about pizza in the middle of his conversation with the coffee shop customer. The call lasted 15 seconds. At the conclusion of the phone call, he simply continued with his instructions to the customer. The focus of the experiment was to see if and to what extent this rude treatment affected the honesty of the participants. The results were shocking: only 14% of these participants gave the extra money back!
 
In a final variation of this experiment, and the topic of this letter, the actor - after receiving the phone call - offered a quick apology for the interruption and continued with his instructions. With this simple acknowledgement, the honesty jumped back up to 45%! 
 
All to say, if you want to live with the your own best selves and those of your children during this break, be sure to acknowledge your inevitable missteps during this hectic season.  Don't assume they understand your stress and have heard any implicit apology you have offered. They need to hear it and to see it with eye contact. Best of all, as you model this, they will pick up on your lesson and learn to accept responsibility and to offer appropriate apologies for their own transgressions, thus assisting you in living through your own best-self during this holiday season. The ultimate gift that keeps giving.
 
Have a nice weekend.
 
Mike